Everyday Obsessions

Ugh. This month will not end. For some reason, I have an image of January as sunny and cold. Not so this year. It has rained almost every day.

But there are things that make the dreariness more bearable. Things to look forward to and things to enjoy now. A trip to Europe in two months. A skiing weekend in Whistler next month. A rock show next week. A new album by little-known artist (Joanna Newsom - so weird, but so good). Toast with butter and honey. Mashed potatoes. Lemon Biscuits (man I love food!). Valentine’s Day (Yes! Valentine’s Day! But this has to do with food again, because I’m planning on making something special for my small group!). Vancouver Art Gallery with Niki on Sunday. Sunshine (who knows when?).

I have a habit of finding little morsels of pleasure or expectation and turning them into obsessions.

So far, so good

I think most of my regular blog readers know this already, but I'm in the process of applying to grad schools. I've been talking about applying for a few years now, but I finally gathered the courage to actually do it. And I have to say, it's quite a lot of work, but so far a smooth process.

My biggest fear was asking for reference letters: what if my professors didn't remember me? what if they didn't think I was good enough for grad school? what if they just didn't like me? However, none of these anxieties produced any evidence, and I now have all my references lined up.

The most difficult part of applying, I have found, is endeavouring to convince the admissions committees of the sincerity of my desire to study Library/Information/Archival studies. I think I would enjoy it and would do well, but it's impossible for me to know absolutely that I won't want to quit in the middle of the first semester. But I try to be as honest as I can in my personal statements about my abilities and ambitions - that's all I can do.

The thing that's been motivating me through this process is the conviction that God wants me to do this. Not necessarily that he wants me to go to grad school, but that he wants me to apply. I know I need to take this risk and be in a position where I might be rejected. I THINK God wants me to get in, but I can't really know until I get the results back. But my desire to obey him has forced me to risk personal mortification and put myself in a terrifyingly vulnerable position. And that is definitely something I need to do more often.

Pathetic Excuse for a Post

At this very moment I am avoiding something. In fact, I'm writing this post purely as an excuse not to do the thing I need to do. I am the biggest chicken. I'm afraid of people. And my irrational fear has caused me more problems than I even know. I could be somewhere else right now doing something a million times more exciting. But I'm stuck here because I've been letting fear rule my life.